Knowing in advance that something is going to happen doesn't make it easier.

Today I read something and the first thing I wanted to do was call my mom and tell her.

Crossroads

Sitting down to write on my blog is something that I fully admit that I have been avoiding. This past summer hasn't been what I want it to be and it makes it fairly difficult to write when I am completely disenchanted.

One of the things that makes it so hard is that my mom died 3 weeks ago. I can't yet talk about it with out crying. And in the moments that are quiet, like when I would try to blog, the pain is so palpable that it's not easy to write. Even now, my glasses are splattered with tears and I need to blow my nose.

To add to my grief, there has been a fairly significant change in my household. Ike Man has started Kindergarten. Just last spring I was eagerly waiting for more than 2 1/2 hours a day 3 days a week to myself. Now, my little guy is in school all day just like his big brother. My house is so quiet. And clean. It's taking some getting used to.

I'm at a crossroads in my life. And I don't know what to do with myself. The options are limitless, but each one does have an effect on me and my family. Right now sitting around on my tukas may be good for the grief process, but it doesn't help my OCD. Nor does it help the size of my tukas, but that's a whole other story.

As a family, we went on a bike ride along the Mississippi River today. We stopped for a little break at a spot in Rock Island that had a chart of the migratory patterns of eagles. Isaac was very intrigued by the sign and then we hear him say this, "I wonder which color the Hebrews are".
Sounds like some one was paying attention to the VBS lesson about the Israelites leaving Egypt.

Odd Day / Even Day

It may be too early to tell how things are going to actually turn out. But right now I feel like a genius.

I've had a rough go of it lately with the boys. They fight over just about everything. And they don't help out around the house worth a darn. So today I instituted Odd Day/Even Day. Joe being born 1st is assigned the odd days of the month and Isaac being the 2nd born is assigned the even days of the month.

So what happens on their day? You may ask. Well... Let's take today for our example. Today is Joe's day because it is July 1st. It is Joe's job to open the door for the dogs when the dogs need to go out, or come in. Joe is the one I turn to, to help set the table for dinner and wash dishes. Joe got to help me make a cherry pie and at bed time is the one who gets the 1st shower. Joe got to choose between two cups of Pepsi would be his. If we go to the park later (which I do plan on), Joe will be the one to choose which park we go to. Today is the day Joe has to help water the plants and pull weeds. Today is the day that Joe gets the mail from the mailbox.

Having their days gives them both some added responsibility for the day. But it also gives them more privileges.

I'm hoping gone are the days of fighting over which movie we watch. Because from where I stand, that's easy... "whose day is it?"

Right now, I feel super-duper smart. Let's see if this one comes back to bite me in the but.

Because the Cool Kids Are Doing It

I saw this on Cathy's Blog and Ali's Blog (neither of which do I actually know). I decided to play along too. Because if it's good enough for my scrapbook heroes, it's good enough for me too.

TODAY
June 24, 2009

Outside my window... The sun. Oi Vey! It's hot out!

I am thinking... I have a very blessed life, too bad it's taken me 36 years to figure it out.

I am thankful for... growth. Even though it hurts while it's happening

From the kitchen... triple chocolate cake made my the cutest little bakers this side of the Mississippi

I am wearing... a pair of khaki shorts & a tank that I got at of all places Kmart.

I am creating... files and files of pictures that need to be printed and scrapbooked

I am going.. to Target because we are all out of paper towels.

I am reading... Encyclopedia of an Ordinary Life by Amy Krouse Rosenthal and The Beautiful Fight by Gary Thomas

I am hoping... one day my boys will grow up to be friends despite all of their fighting now.

I am hearing... Wii Mario Kart and arguing

Around the house... evidence that sometimes adopting an adult dog isn't the best way to go (hence the need for more paper towels--3 years and this dog still isn't completely potty trained).

One of my favorite things... groovin' out to old fave music

A few plans for the rest of the week... taking the boys swimming on Thursday

Confession of a Cupcake-aholic

Hi. I'm Jenny. And I'm a cupcake-aholic.

I've been a cupcake-aholic now for a long time. It's only been recently that I have been ready to face the truth.

At first cupcakes were no big deal to me. For years I had only had a cupcake at a party. In my lunch box. Maybe buy a box of Hostess here and there. But it was something I had complete control of. Or so I thought.

As time went on I found ways to justify my cupcake habit. I bought books on cake decorating. Then I bought books specifically on cupcake decorating. I searched the internet for cupcake recipes and decorating ideas. I said I was doing it for the boys. The boys deserved cute desserts, I told myself.

I started buying rubber stamps and scrapbook supplies that were cupcake themed. I even bought a place mat, coffee mug and kitchen towels with cupcakes on them. I figured if I wasn't eating a cupcake, I could at the very least be surrounded by them.

I knew I had a problem when at 11:30 on night, alone, in the dark I was eating mini cupcakes. The rest of my family was sound asleep.

It's been 2 days since my last cupcake.

Today I'm really struggling. I really want a cupcake. I have everything I need to make cupcakes. It would be easy for me to give in to my flesh. It would be a delight to my senses to have the house smell of cake. To mix the frosting and then to artfully decorate each little beauty. I could even say to myself that I'm just making art and using the tools that I already possess. Oh, and the taste...

But I'm not going to make cupcakes. I am strong. I don't need a cupcake.

On the Eve of 36

What is it about a birthday that makes one look back?

When it's my boys birthdays I can't help but think about when they were itty bitty and what they were like as babies & toddlers. I think about the past year. I think about how much they've grown. And then I start to wonder what they'll be like as they get to be older. And then I miss them. In a fleeting moment they have gone from newborns to leaving for college and I'm a blubbering wreck.

This time, the birthday is mine.

36

Tomorrow at 11:39 am I'll be 36 years old.

Specifically I've thought a lot about the last 18 years. 18 years ago I had just graduated from high school and was heading off to college.

It's a lot like looking through a box in the basement. I had mentally/emotionally put things away and to my surprise, so many of the feelings are just as powerful now as they were then. There are things that I thought I had brought closure to that apparently I haven't.

The difference between today & then is that unlike then, today I'm ready to apologize. I'm ready to face my fears, attitudes and actions instead of running away from them. I'm ready to accept responsibility instead of pointing the finger at someone else. Time and distance has healed many things. And many more things still haven't healed like they should have.

Thanks to Google, I'm able to find music from those days and I am taken back to a time that I had forgotten. I'm back to the very beginning of freshman year at the dance outside of the Union and thinking that "Friends In Low Places" is a completely stupid song. While I still think that it's a stupid song, I hear it and I remember how much fun I had with my new friends those 4 years.

Yet if I hear "I love your smile" or anything off the BoysIIMen 1st album, my heart is broken and I wish that I'd handled things differently freshman year and beyond. If I hear Blue's Traveler something totally different comes to mind. And then there's Indigo Girls, Salt 'n Peppa, Sir Mix a-lot, Matthew Sweet, Pearl Jam, A Tribe Called Quest, They Might Be Giants, R.E.M, Red Hot Chili Peppers, PM Dawn, Janet Jackson, Sheryl Crow...

The soundtrack of my life if diverse to say the least. It just happens to be the songs from 1987-1995 that hold the most emotion for me.

While this is a rambling post, with no real point, and looking back sometimes hurts, I also can look back and see the hand of God. There were so many times that I put myself in completely stupid situations and in harms way. Yet God was faithful and merciful and didn't give me what I deserved. While I had dreams about what I wanted for the future and tried to manipulate them to turn out my way, God knew better.

With time and perspective, I can see that God not only filled my deepest desires, but improved upon them.

In between the laughing, smiling and crying, I am enjoying my trip down memory lane. I really wish I had some of my girls here with me so that I had someone to share these memories of 18 years ago.

Then again. I have a house full of boys that I've been making memories with. Maybe it's time I start to add to the soundtrack of my life.